Dying Today

ThePhan: Hmm. I appear to have an itchy rash on my wrist. Probably I'm going to die.
Sentynel: Phan: It sounds like you've been checking WebMD.
TalkingDog: Itchywristrastuffis is dangerous. Especially if you wear an Irish wristwatch.
ThePhan: LOL to both Sent and TD.
TalkingDog: *Itchywristrash-itis
ThePhan: Oh. Hmm. I wonder if I was just lying on my wrist weirdly.
ThePhan: There appears to be a fingernail print in it, like I was inadvertently pressing the nails of one hand into the wrist of the other.
ThePhan: That would also explain how red it was. And its being itchy could just be a coincidence.
ThePhan: Looks like I won't be dying here today, folks.
Goosey: Yay not dying!
wintermute: Phan: To be fair, your heart could always explode unexpectedly.
wintermute: Or a bus could crash into your house.
ThePhan: True!
wintermute: In conclusion, you have a 85% chance of dying today.
ThePhan: ...That is a higher chance than I would have suspected.
Goosey: LOL
wintermute: I might have made a small error in the maths.

Bella's Hobbies

wintermute: Actual word-for-word conversation that just happened for real in this house:
wintermute: Bella: I'm borrrrrred.
wintermute: Amy: Well, what can you do?
wintermute: Bella: *thinks*
wintermute: Bella: Kill someone?
Goosey: O_O
ThePhan: LOL LOL
ThePhan: Oh my.
ThePhan: I think you need to help her rethink her hobbies.
TalkingDog: Yeah. You can't get ransom money for a dead person.

YOU ARE MINE

ThePhan: This lovely cheesy inspirational meme posted on Facebook was rather startling at the end, since it never specified who was telling me all these things: https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1604737_10152188558843729_1207833884_n.jpg
ThePhan: Not to mention it suddenly being in all caps.
ThePhan: I felt like I had suddenly been abducted.
Goosey: LOL LOL
Goosey: Also, it really says "You are you are mine"
wintermute: cREEPY.
ThePhan: "You are YOU ARE MINE"
Goosey: hahaha
wintermute: You can almost taste the chloroform ;)
ThePhan: LOL LOL

Drawing a Loud Breath

ThePhan: OH MY GOSH QUEST FOR SKYE WHY ARE YOU SO AWFUL
Maryam: LOL
Goosey: LOL
TalkingDog: That sounds bad.
Maryam: I can't wait for this post now.
ThePhan: Morgan takes Skye back to her parents and compliments them on how awesome she is, and this happens:
ThePhan: The doctor drew a loud breath. “You don’t know just how special she is.”
ThePhan: "Drew a loud breath"?
ThePhan: A gasp?
Maryam: Er. Uh.
ThePhan: A sigh?
ThePhan: NEITHER ONE MAKES SENSE
ThePhan: AND WHY IS HE DRAWING LOUD BREATHS WHEN HE IS HOLDING HIS SLEEPING DAUGHTER IN HIS ARMS?
TalkingDog: Were they playing abstract Pictionary?
Goosey: LOL
ThePhan: TD: LOL LOL
ThePhan: LOL, the sentence after that one: "Morgan thought about that for a few seconds as Malinda retrieved her daughter from her husband’s arms."
ThePhan: He's probably trying to figure out why the doctor was gasping.
Maryam: My guess is it's one of those breaths you draw when you're about to say something unpleasant.
ThePhan: Maybe. I wonder if there's about to be a secret revealed.
Maryam: Like that she's terminally ill or something.
ThePhan: Maybe.
ThePhan: Maybe it's meant to be foreshadowing and is just awful.
ThePhan: Because they don't mention anything more about it on the next page.
.
.
.
ThePhan: "Morgan cast a look in the direction of Skye’s room. There were no sounds. He was glad for a few minutes alone with the physician."
ThePhan: If this was a bad fanfic, that would be the cue for a sex scene.
Maryam: LOL
ThePhan: However, I am quite sure there will be no sex in this book, nor male-male love, so all we are left with is that Morgan wants to be alone with the physician FOR NO REASON AT ALL THAT HE STATES.
wintermute: Maybe he has a burning sensation when he pees, and it would be embarrassing to ask about it in front of the rest of the family.
ThePhan: LOL LOL
ThePhan: This is going to be a really good chapter, guys.
ThePhan: None of it makes any sense.

The Right Amount of Clouds

* ThePhan writes this weeks' Quest for Skye blog.
* Nyperold looks forward to it.
wintermute: Spoiler alert: It's off the west coast of Scotland.
ThePhan: Here is a teaser: the chapter's opening sentence is "The lowering sun and the right amount of clouds hinted a spectacular sunset."
ThePhan: THIS GUY SHOULD NOT BE WRITING
wintermute: If the sun is lowering, that is a good sign there will be a sunset soon.
Nyperold: Ah, but will it be spectacular?
ThePhan: Apparently that depends on having the right amount of clouds.
Nyperold: The right amount of clouds seems to be key.
ThePhan: I'm leaving it up to my blog readers to guess how many clouds are "the right amount."
wintermute: If there are too many clouds, you can't see the sunset. So that would be the wrong amount.
Nyperold: Or you could have fewer clouds, but they're all massive.

Rock Paper Scissors, Etc.

wintermute: http://static.neatorama.com/images/2005/rps-15.jpg
wintermute: I like that sponge beats devil.
Maryam: Why does wolf beat lightning?
Maryam: I don't think that system makes much sense.
Sentynel: http://www.umop.com/rps101/rps101chart.html RPS-15 is for amateurs.
wintermute: Dynamite beats tornado?
Sentynel: I'm pretty sure a sufficiently large amount of dynamite correctly placed and detonated would disrupt a tornado.
Sentynel: You might just need rather a lot.
ThePhan: Sent: IS AMAZING
Sentynel: I know I am.
ThePhan: LOL
wintermute: Turnip beats dragon.
Sentynel: Dragons are carnivorous. Turnips are probably poisonous or something.
ThePhan: If you click on them, it tells you why.
ThePhan: ...Turnip wins because it can be thrown at dragon.
ThePhan: Sent's explanation is better.
Sentynel: Woah, they wrote out what happens for all ~5k combinations? That's pretty impressive in itself.
Maryam: Dragons are usually intelligent too. Think they would just eat a turnip if you gave it to them?
Sentynel: Maryam: I don't think the RPS rules take into account intelligence of participants. After all, what sort of moron tries to cut a rock with scissors?
Maryam: Heh.
ThePhan: Sent: Yeah, that's my favorite part.
ThePhan: You can see ALL the outcomes in a list here: http://www.umop.com/rps101/alloutcomes.htm
wintermute: Planet goes to school?
ThePhan: (Incidentally, to address earlier concerns, wolf outruns lightning and sponge cleanses devil.)
Sentynel: That's either a very quick wolf or very slow lightning.
ThePhan: wm: Er... apparently
wintermute: LOL: http://www.umop.com/rps101/1.htm
wintermute: Lots of "Explodes".
wintermute: Computer prevents baby?
iwpg: So man beats brain because he has a brain, but turnip beats brain because it has no brain?
Maryam: If you're too addicted to the computer for procreation?
iwpg: Surely that means everything should beat brain one way or another?
Sentynel: TIL vampires are nuke-proof.
wintermute: Toilet attracts lightning?
wintermute: I'm never pooping there again.
Sentynel: LOL, toilet smells like nuke.
iwpg: "Toilet more legal than wall" is the one that really puzzled me there.

Moved the Lawn

* wintermute just mowed the lawn for the first time this year.
wintermute: Ohio had Second Winter this year.
* ThePhan just moved the lawn for the first time this year.
ThePhan: By the end of the year, it should be a full six feet to the left of where it was.
ThePhan: It will greatly confuse our neighbors.
Goosey: LOL
wintermute: Especially if it ends up in their house.
Goosey: Are you moving the entire lawn en masse? Or cutting a strip off one side and replanting it on the other?
ThePhan: Goosey: The former.
Goosey: Wow, that's talent

Phone Reviews

ThePhan: I AM TIRED OF WRITING PHONE REVIEWS
ThePhan: I have been doing it for like 3 hours.
wintermute: This phone came pre-programmed with Liam Neeson's phone number. A++. Would buy again.
ThePhan: LOL
ThePhan: That does not appear to be true of any of the ones I've written about so far.
ThePhan: Obviously I'm reviewing terrible phones.
wintermute: This phone is full of scorpions. Every time I answered it, they all stung my ear. 7/10/
wintermute: Without that trailing slash.
ThePhan: I think you were starting to date that review, but before you could write out the year, the scorpions killed you.
wintermute: LOL.

World's Cutest/Most Terrifying Frog

wintermute: http://www.itsokaytobesmart.com/post/43448823363/worlds-cutest-frog
Goosey: heeehehehe squeaky
Sentynel: I still think that thing is terrifying.
Goosey: LOL
ThePhan: Sent: You're not alone.
ThePhan: You're not alone because THAT FROG IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU
Sentynel: *screen cuts to black with sound of furious squeaking*

! Visitors

Sam: I don't understand how people can process web statistics usefully.
Sam: Every time I think they tell me something, I later decide it was just statistical noise.
Sam: I'm fairly certain, after studying yesterday's traffic stats carefully, that there were some numbers.
Sam: The number of ads I served was a number, as were the counts of page loads and unique visitors.
Sam: Not that past performance is indicative of future returns, but the way things are going I am reasonably confident that the page impression count for today will also turn out to be a number.
Dave: Sam: Don't be hasty. It could be a letter. Or even a symbol.
Dave: You might get } visitors today.
wintermute: Nah, it won't be more than :.
Dave: Imagine if you got ! visitors!
Sam: Rule!
wintermute: !
Sentynel: You could get i visitors.
Sam: Someday I might even get 1111111!!! visitors.
Sam: Or !!!!!!!!!!!11

Bing Translate

ThePhan: Sometimes Bing Translate shows me some very confusing conversations on my overseas friends' statuses.
ThePhan: Original post: "I tried to cook a new dish tonight. It turned out to be a non-major titles. Compensates with Thai peanut and a Hitchcock-roller for dessert."
ThePhan: Comment: "Have nothing to do. You get to watch hitchcock?"
ThePhan: Poster's response: "Sure, you're welcome! You say much! One cannot listen to everything."
ThePhan: Commenter's response: "Okay, I stand after the brushing of teeth."
* ThePhan is not sure what any of that means.
* Sentynel scratches head
Sentynel: What language is it in?
ThePhan: Swedish.
Sentynel: Is Google translate any more intelligible?
ThePhan: Lemme see.
ThePhan: "Non-major titles" -> "non-salty treat"?
Sentynel: LOL
Sentynel: Close enough!
ThePhan: "I stand" -> "I'm going"
iwpg: LOL
Sentynel: That's.. completely the opposite. Nice work, Bing.
ThePhan: I think the commenter invited himself over to the poster's house to watch a Hitchcock movie after he brushes his teeth. No idea what this "one cannot listen to everything" business is.
wintermute: Maybe you should just learn Swedish.

Face Her Back

LaZorra: ...I just told my lawyer I would face her back ASAP.
ThePhan: LOL
LaZorra: FAX. FAX.
wintermute: People still have faxes?
Sentynel: LOL
Goosey: LOL
Sentynel: "Quick, turn away from me, it's urgent!"
ThePhan: Earlier today, my dad had Facebooked Jacob about something and I was supposed to remind Jacob to respond, so I send him a text asking him to messaging my dad back, but through a combination of typos and misreadings, he briefly thought I was asking him to massage my dad's back.

Aging

Goosey: Sent how old were you when you joined rinkchat here?
Sentynel: Goosey: It was the summer after my first year of uni, so I was 18/turning 19.
Goosey: told you Ticia
Goosey: Ticia's thinking of somebody else who joined REALLY young
Randy: Revan?
Goosey: Silon she says
Randy: Oh yeah, he was like 7.
Sentynel: Yeah, I was (legally, anyway) an adult already when I showed up.
Sentynel: It's not actually been that long, though it sure feels like it has.
Randy: LOL
ThePhan: Sent: I have realized you've totally been stuck as that age in my mind since you joined. How old are you actually now?
Sentynel: Phan: LOL, I'm 22.
ThePhan: Sent: OK. Sorry I didn't let you age.
Sentynel: Phan: You have no idea how weird growing three years at once is.
Goosey: He's the same age as one of my sisters, so it's easy for me to remember
ThePhan: Goosey: That would work for me if I could ever remember my siblings' ages.
Goosey: LOL
Goosey: Well you have more siblings than I do
ThePhan: Goosey: IT'S TRUE THERE ARE SO MANY
wintermute: Phan: They're 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, and 25.
ThePhan: wm: LOL LOL LOL

Married

Randy: TP: What's the status on y'all moving?
ThePhan: Randy: House hunting still. We keep finding possibilities that then disappear.
Randy: Stink.
ThePhan: And even though I hope we move soon for Internet reasons, heh, I'm a little hesitant about some of the places they want because they're looking at nicer places that we can totally afford with 4 of us, but I have no idea how long I'm going to be living with them. Heh. Things could change a bunch in the next year. I could find a job elsewhere, Jacob and I could end up married (WAIT WHAT but yeah maybe)... I really don't see me staying with them long term. So... I hope we find something they can also afford on their own, because I'd hate if they had to move whenever I do decide to move out on my own.
Randy: YAY MARRIED. hehe
.
.
.
Dave: I'm telling Sam you're getting married. It will take him forever to work out the truth.
Randy: LOL
ThePhan: LOL
ThePhan: Even if he finds where I first said it, it'll still take him forever to read that giant block of text.
Dave: He'll search the chat logs, find that part where you mention it as a possibility, but only skim it because he's Sam. So then he'll believe me.
Randy: To confuse the issue more, we should talk about your wedding plans.
Dave: Yes, tell us all about your dress!
ThePhan: Real friends don't skim other friends' possible marriage discussions.
ThePhan: Sarah and Lisa planned my wedding all for me about a month ago, because I'm lazy and don't want to make any actual decisions. So they're planning us a Star Wars-themed ceremony and a Doctor Who-themed reception. Works for me.
Dave: Sam is Captain Skimtastic. He'll figure he has the gist if I tell him what the gist is he's supposed to get.
Dave: That's awesome!
Randy: Phan: Awesome!
Randy: I still want to be Best Bridesman or something.
ThePhan: LOL
* TalkingDog reads "Beast Bridesman".
Randy: LOL
Dave: Randy: You can do that, but you have to wear a dress.
Randy: Hmmm
ThePhan: Well, Sarah and Lisa and I were discussing the fact that between the two of us, we have a lot of girl friends and not a lot of guy friends. So we'll make them all stormtroopers so nobody can even tell if they're male or female. Problem solved.
Randy: Would a kilt be a good substitute?
ThePhan: Uh, no. I veto kilts.
ThePhan: Actual dress.
Randy: A stormtrooper in a kilt? Playing bagpipes while unicycling?
ThePhan: KILTED BAGPIPING STORMTROOPERS YES
ThePhan: No unicycling. I have a lot of klutzy friends and they'll all fall over.
Sentynel: What is it with Rinkies and wanting men to wear dresses to their weddings?
Sentynel: Is it considered poor style to wear the same dress to two weddings?
Sentynel: I'm not sure I can justify buying two dresses.
Randy: Who else has said this?
ThePhan: Sent: Just match it with a different purse, and voila! Whole new outfit.
Sentynel: Phan: Oh, sweet, thanks.
Randy: Sent: Which other rinkie wants you to wear a dress at their wedding? LaZ?
Sentynel: Yup.
Randy: Are you going to?
Randy: She can probably beat you up if you don't.
Sentynel: I'll totally show up in a dress.
Sentynel: I may have to untag myself from the Facebook pictures, though.
ThePhan: No matter where you go, we will find you and tag you.
ThePhan: It's the price of friendship.
ThePhan: THE PRICE TAG, ONE MIGHT EVEN SAY
Sentynel: Badum tish.
* ThePhan apologizes. That wasn't even clever.
Randy: LOL
Dave: What flavor will your wedding cake be? This is the most important question of all.
Ticia: Wait, is Phan engaged?
ThePhan: LOL
Sentynel: SCORE
Ticia: I had to pick up my girls from yoga! No fair!
ThePhan: Ticia: I am not. We're just talking about it like I am.
Ticia: Heh, okay.
Dave: This will totally get Sam.
Dave: But, come on. Chocolate? Yellow? White? WE NEED TO KNOW
ThePhan: Hmm. Well, I'd probably vote chocolate, but I feel like yellow/white is more traditional.
Goosey: Pft, mine will be chocolate.
ThePhan: ...Not that I'm going the traditional route.
Sentynel: Phan: Because your wedding is SO traditional-
ThePhan: LOl
ThePhan: (That was me laughing loudly and then trailing off at the end because I felt embarrassed, I guess.)
Sentynel: http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/19866191 This may surprise you, but apparently putting liquid nitrogen in your cocktails is a bad idea.
Sentynel: So, y'know, don't do that at your wedding.
Ticia: o.O
ThePhan: The inside of my cake will be liquid nitrogen.
ThePhan: I think we decided my cake was a TARDIS, though. Chocolate seems less weird with a blue cake than with a white cake.
Sentynel: How do you intend to make it bigger on the inside?
Ticia: And then you'll never run out of cake!
Goosey: Sent: Eeeek
ThePhan: Sent: A... trick cake table? I have no idea. It might have to be a nonfunctional TARDIS, sadly.
Dave: Screw that, I want a cake that's bigger on the OUTSIDE. More frosting that way.
TalkingDog: Just serve frosting.
Dave: It's frosting all the way down.
ThePhan: LOL YES
ThePhan: That would be amazing. An entire cake made of just frosting.
Sentynel: I don't think that could strictly speaking be considered a cake.
wintermute: Instead of wedding cake, we had wedding steak-and-kidney-pie.
Dave: Eww.
Dave: You can't frost that!
wintermute: Dave: You can frost anything.
Dave: Yeah, if you want to be disgusting.
Sam: Hey, wim's alive.
wintermute: Sam: Only statistically speaking.
Dave: Sam, you should briefly skim the chat log to get the gist of ThePhan's wedding.
Sam: "Dave: This will totally get Sam."
Dave: Yeah, you're totally going to get it.
Sam: I GOT IT.

Musical Crying

ThePhan: LOL, this is a very melodic wail from this child in the library.
ThePhan: I am finding it much more entertaining than I probably should.
ThePhan: It's a lovely soprano tune.
Ticia: You should sing along.
ThePhan: I should! But the kid appears to have either left or calmed down.
Ticia: Awww, that's too bad.
ThePhan: Which is sad, because it would have been SO AWESOME to harmonize with a crying kid.
wintermute: Sounds like the basis for a new musical instument to me
wintermute: You just need 88 children all crying in different registers.

Enthusastic Greetings

wintermute: PHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
wintermute: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
wintermute: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
Sam: Wow. Congrats on avoiding a scroll bar on my screen. (Your cue to go longer.)
ThePhan: That was quite enthusiastic.
ThePhan: Hello, all.
Sam: That was not enthusiastic.
Sentynel: 'lo.
* Sentynel tries for the least enthusiastic possible greeting.
TalkingDog: hm.
Sam: *grunt*

Arscience

[RinkChat] The chat room's topic has been changed to 'Please have a birthday muffin now. They contain no arsenic.' by LaZorra.
LaZorra: You know, the best way to freak people out is to emphasize the things that are true.
LaZorra: These muffins contain no arsenic!
LaZorra: This car has never been involved in a hit-and-run!
goldfishy: LaZorra is dangerous!
* Sentynel eats the muffins in small quantities, so if they do contain arsenic he builds up a tolerance.
* LaZorra is a little fluffy ball of innocence, what do you mean?
* ThePhan builds up a tolerance to muffins.
LaZorra: LOL
Sentynel: Phan: That would be awful.
goldfishy: There is nothing innocent about your fluffliness
ThePhan: ...I broke a 2-hour idle to say *that*?
LaZorra: Phan: I figured you'd been working on it all this time.
ThePhan: LOL
LaZorra: goldie: Things that are fluffly are by nature innocent. I think.
ThePhan: Yeah. Long before you guys actually were talking about muffins with arsenci.
LaZorra: ARSCIENCE
ThePhan: Or "arsenic," as it is more commonly known.
ThePhan: Sometimes I use an ancient Mayan word instead of an English one by mistake.
wintermute: Arse-science?
goldfishy: Isn't that a proctologist?
* ThePhan is in a supremely silly mood after her de-idle, apparently.
[RinkChat] The chat room's topic has been changed to 'If the arsenic doesn't kill you, the muffins will.' by LaZorra.
LaZorra: wm: I think I'd rather eat arsenic muffins than proctology muffins.
Sentynel: "Man, your muffins are crap." "Yeah." "..."
ThePhan: I feel like proctology muffins are given to you to eat and distract you during medical exams.
goldfishy: Exam like writing on paper or exam like "I'm going to poke you up the bum now"
ThePhan: I was thinking the latter.
wintermute: Both, simultaniously.
ThePhan: You don't want to be distracted by muffins during the first.
goldfishy: I thought you said you dont want to distract the muffins and I hadn't really considered how traumatic poking a muffin up the bum might be to it
wintermute: Muffin suppositories?
goldfishy: Nono poking the muffin up its own bum

Buying Children

After a long hiatus, I'm backish!



* Goosey did however buy some adorable candleholders that match her bathroom for the purpose of holding cotton swabs and cotton balls.
LaZorra: I read "children" instead of "candleholders."
Randy: LOL
LaZorra: I was picturing Goosey keeping a couple of small orphans in her bathroom to offer her toiletries.
LaZorra: Like some twisted version of Oliver.
Randy: Please sir, take some more toilet paper
Goosey: LOL LOL
wintermute: Goosey: You should totally do that.
Goosey: I don't think they'd fit on my counter.
LaZorra: LOL
LaZorra: The return policy on orphans is killer, too, so you want to make sure they are the proper size when you get them.
Goosey: LOL

Traveling By Post

ThePhan: So a LOT more people than I expected like my status about today being six months since Jacob and I went official. I texted him: "Holy crap. 20 people so far have liked my FB status about our halfyeariversary. I think we have a fan club."
wintermute: Phan: You should be on G+, so I can also like your relationship.
ThePhan: wm: Every once in awhile I wander over there a post something. But there are only like 3 people on there who aren't more active on Facebook. Heh.
ThePhan: *and post
LaZorra: She wanders over on a post.
ThePhan: Traveling by post is the way to go.
wintermute: From pillar to post?
LaZorra: This explains the postmarks all over your face.

Buffalo

ThePhan: LOL, this question is fun: "Would a Buffalo fall through a floor of a mobile home"

wintermute: Is it a full-grown buffalo?

Randy: Guy on a Buffalooooo

TalkingDog: The city of Buffalo?

wintermute: TD: Only if it's also the city of Mobile.

Nyperold: Buffalo, with its population of 261,310 (as of 2010) would surely crush an entire mobile home, never mind the floor.

wintermute: Ironically, none of those 261,310 are buffaloes.